Praying for Trials

I am not sure if anyone reads this blog anymore because of my recent neglectful nature towards it but lately I have been trying to take it easy and I feel if I write I may be able to work through it. This has been a weird few months for me. I have not been myself. I must admit I am just like my father and I like to fill my schedule so full that it's bursting at the seams. A few months ago that overfilled schedule exploded and I have refused to pick up the busy pieces that were left behind. Since then I feel that I have done nothing but sit on my couch and sulk. We all have times that we sit back and reflect upon our lives and wonder where we are going. For most people it only lasts a day but for some reason my sulky attitude has lasted much longer than that. I have dropped everything that was not a necessity. Everything but my husband and kids and believe me there were days where I wanted to drop those responsibilities too. Trying to fix myself and my poor attitude, I have been doing a lot of scripture reading and sitting by myself thinking about how I want this life of mine to turn out. I have had a pretty easy life thus far and I know that no one gets off that easy. Deep down I feel that there will be mountains to climb and very difficult lessons to learn ahead of me. Maybe I have an idea of what those trials may be but maybe I am completely dead wrong. Whatever they are they have been giving me the most uneasy feeling. While I was reading past conference talks given by church officials of my faith,I ran across a talk that struck me. It was called Mountains to climb by President Henry B. Eyring. (I have linked it in in case anyone is interested.) He talked about praying for trials. At first I thought "what a strange concept, praying for bad things to happen to me? Who would want to do that?" but then I remembered the uneasy feeling that I keep in the back of my mind. The thought of getting down on my knees came to me but I quickly pushed it out of my mind. I knew that if I prayed for trials that life would only get harder and thats not what I needed. I needed my life to get easier. Ignoring my instincts I went about my day, my week, the rest of the month all the while that little talk kept popping in my mind and I kept pushing it out. What if the trails that come are not ones I am expecting or want?  What if they are the trials I know I can't overcome. Tired of worrying about it I finally gave into the ever nagging prompting and got on my knees. I wanted to get it over with. I wanted to start my hike up whatever mountain was coming so that I could hurry and be done with it.

The next day I got a call from one of the the Bishop's (much like a priest) councelor's asking that my husband and I come into meet with him. That day I received a calling to be a sunday school teacher. But not just any sunday school teacher, Gospel Doctrine Teacher. This class teaches about the doctrines of our church and is a class I have actually avoided in the past because it was a bit boring and over my head at times. I couldn't believe I was being called to teach the class! When the words came out of the Councelor's mouth I heard them but they didn't make any sense in my mind. I heard my husband gasp. After all he is the Sunday School President. It was his job to assign teachers to the classes. He would know better than to call ME as the Gospel Doctrine Teacher! The only reason I know the stories in the scriptures is because I had a diligent Mother that read them to me and I loved watching the animated scripture movies when I was a kid. I sat there in shock thinking this is a joke. They wouldn't call ME. I am a mom with two kids. The ward (church group) was full of teachers and scholars. Why would they call ME. I felt absolutely inadequate and under educated. When it finally sank in that he was serious the tears started to well up in my eyes. How could they do this to me! I hate talking in front of people. I am probably the youngest married adult in the ward. What did I know that they didn't! As I was asked if I would accept the calling I put my face into my hands and the tears started rolling. I knew I had to say yes. Not because I felt a duty or was pressured in any way, but because I knew that this was a trial I had prayed for. After leaving the office I attempted to control my emotions as we walked into the chapel but couldn't. I handed over the baby to my husband and left him to fend for himself during the sacrament meeting where I was sustained without being present. I ran out the building doors and thought "What in the world are you thinking Heavenly Father!" This was definitely not the trial I had anticipated. I ran down the street in my skirt and heels trying to somehow get away. I found a shady spot in a neighbors front yard under a large tree, sat down in the grass and uncontrollably sobbed. As I sat there I felt a mix of emotions, fear that I couldn't complete the calling I had just accepted, anger that I was even given the calling, inadaquacy because of my lack of knowledge. As I tried to sort through my emotions I remembered something that my Sister-in-law told her grandfather when his wife passed away. 

"You can do hard things." 

I don't know if I have even found such comfort in 5 little words. After a lot of crying and fears whirling through my mind I am happy to say that I have peace of mind and I am ready to take on my calling. There are callings in life that are given to people that are solely to benefit that individual. I believe that this is one of those callings. Maybe it is preparatory to the trails that are to come. Maybe it is the hill before the mountain. But I believe it will benefit me and will prepare me for what is to come. Whatever it may be I try to remember that without difficult tasks we cannot grow as an individual. Challenges are what make us better people. I am ready to be made into a better person. I am ready to let the Lord mold and shape me into the person I am supposed to be. I know that this will be a difficult calling especially for me but I believe that I am here for a reason and that I need to do this for myself.  I just hope that there is someone out there that will get something out of my lesson BESIDES ME.